Infidelity: What Makes People Cheat?

Hi guys. It’s me. Again. You’re probably rolling your eyes right about now. I know. Hah. So last night whilst trying desperately, and failing to fall asleep, I decided to go on Quora and I came across an article on something very close to my heart. Infidelity. For as long as I can remember, as far back as my teenage years, around the time I stopped thinking the opposite sex was a bunch of sniveling gits, I’ve always had a strong principled zero tolerance for cheating. My views might’ve been unrealistic at the time as I believed if you love someone, you wouldn’t even be tempted to betray their trust and loyalty, which is the end result of infidelity. But as I grew older, and began to see the world in a new light, I’ve come to realize that not everything is as black and white as I’ve always thought. There is right, there is wrong and there is that middle ground, in-between right and wrong, good and bad, influenced by confounders. And this, technically also applies to infidelity. Now we can’t talk about infidelity without talking about one of its most determining factors; lust. But first, let’s try to explain what love is.

Love is the strangest, most unexplainable phenomenon in the world. Even stranger than the Bermuda Triangle. No one can fully comprehend it. Science has tried to explain it as a chemical reaction in the brain, which has three basic parts to it, and I’m sure we’re most familiar with it; lust, attraction, and attachment. Lust is governed by estrogen and testosterone, in both women and men respectively. Attraction is by adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin which are chemicals released by exciting and novel experiences (like biting into that bar of chocolate when you’re supposed to be on a diet to get that summer body). Lastly, long-term attachment by oxytocin and vasopressin encourages bonding. A combination of all three? Phew.
Now that we’ve gotten those pesky definitions out of the way, let’s get back to the topic, shall we? Infidelity. Or as commonly known, ‘cheating’. What drives people to it? What are the determining and contributing factors? Is it worth the hassle and the aftermath wreckage it leaves in its wake? There is just no one-answer-fits-all in this case. What we can do, is correctly deduce from available facts and data.

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always been curious. Curious about things, people, life…everything. And growing up in an African home, even though mine was a little more liberal than most, I wasn’t satisfied with the answers I got. It also didn’t help that I was painfully shy. So, I sought the next best option to get my answers. Books. They were my salvation. I read everything I could get my hands on. I was either always in the school library reading, or at home in my room reading. My brothers were avid readers so it was easy getting my hands on good materials. I was introduced to the world of John Grisham, and James Hardly Chase, among others. The big guns. I remember reading a story about a French couple. An older wealthy man with his younger beautiful wife and his son, who was almost the same age as his stepmom. They were having an affair. This was too much for my young mind. I’d always thought marriage was holy matrimony. Holy in every sense of the world. Your husband is your husband, your wife. The idea of there being a third party? That was outside my limited scope. Thinking back, that was my first encounter with the idea of infidelity, even though I didn’t fully grasp the concept back then.

Over the years, as I grew older and encountered more real-life couples who, behind their happy faces and matching outfits to events, inside jokes that shut the world out and left just the two of them, I began to understand a little at a time, see beyond the facade; the sad eyes, forced laughs, and the ever-present constant vigilance of spouses. They were subtle, almost hard to miss if you weren’t paying attention. I took these all in.

Like all millennials, I’m a movie and series junkie. Also being an introvert that gets easily exhausted by social scenes and human interactions, I spend most of my days indoors, curled up in my duvet, binge-watching whatever good show was on. When you’ve watched as many shows as I have, you’ll get a pretty good grasp of the world, and better understand social factors and their contribution to shaping mindsets. Loneliness, constant fighting, a loss of romance, financial hardship, a need to be understood, companionship…lust. Every one of those cheating partners had a reason. And if you paid enough attention, you begin to empathize. Because you know someone that’s in a similar situation, the pieces fall in place, and it all makes sense.

Settling. That God-awful word. I’ve always hated the idea of a person ‘settling’ for me. Ever. Argh. Okay, the antics are over. On a more serious note, not everyone gets to marry the person they love, their significant other. The One. Most often than not, they marry who’s available. While most marriages like this work, where partners actively try to build a connection ( which makes for a lasting marriage life ), others aren’t so lucky. They feel discontented, unfulfilled, and misunderstood. That element of friendship isn’t there. The laughs, fights that never last, connection, nonexistent. So, they seek companionship elsewhere. Everyone wants to be understood, feel butterflies in their stomach, and be listened to, we all want to feel like we belong. Like we matter.

Now let’s play a lil scenario. You’re having problems in your marriage. Your spouse isn’t giving you the attention you need, he forgets your anniversary and doesn’t remember till three days after noticing and working out your surly mood. He apologizes and promises to make it up to you. You know he’s just saying that, of course. Last year was the same. Same empty promises, no changed behavior. He’s too preoccupied with work to actually make time out for the both of you. Lately, his work feels like a second wife you’re unwittingly competing with. You want to let it go, but it’s your anniversary. Who forgets their anniversary? You tell him it’s fine. The next day, you inform him you want to go see your sister in the next town over. The tone of your voice suggests it’s not up for debate. You see the defeat in his eyes. Okay, he says. He comes home early to help you pack. That’s a first. The next day, you leave. No goodbye kiss, no hugs. Yes, it’s gotten that bad. At the airport, you tentatively wave goodbye to him. He just stares. The plane taxis, and as you look back, he’s out of sight. You’re…gone. The handsome guy in the aisle over smiles at you. For the first time in a long time, you feel something. It’s exciting.

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